not rape

At least it wasn’t rape

As I search for safety

At least it wasn’t rape

As my body was used as an object, a toy, a piece of trash

Something to be used and handled and it didn’t matter whether I was tainted now,

I was to be thrown away before I was finished with

I should be happy, they said

I am lucky and I

Was not raped

I was a survivor

But I live with this secret because I was told, it wasn’t that bad

I live in secret because

I should not ruin his life, his reputation

We’ll just avoid him and

You’ll be fine

And instantly after I was violated I was told

It wasn’t that bad

The scent of his horny must on my body

His freshly lit cigarette breath invades my own

I brush my teeth and I can still taste the scent of cigarette

And I cannot escape the poisoning fear when I said

No

And he heard yes

And I said No and he heard yes

And I was by myself in a stranger’s bed

But he heard yes and no one was there to hear me say no but I said it

I was too weak to push him off of my body but I told him no

And we are taught that no is stronger than any man’s touch

And this bed is no longer a kind gesture of a gentleman who was helping a lady in distress

But a fortress and I am confined by the makeshift cuffs that felt like palms and fingers

And my chest, these breasts no longer mine but his

And I gave myself away that night

My flesh was for sale when I infused myself of liquor

And my flesh was for sale when I wore the dress that hugged the curves of my body like fresh paint

I was sold when I allowed a man to offer his bed to me

Sold when I trusted him to leave the room when I fell asleep

Sold when I woke up to a man touching me, kissing me,

Taking off my clothes

I was sold when I said no please stop I can’t and he heard yes and

I was a puppet

Being controlled by a man much bigger than me

Playing with a lifeless body as I gave up because I did not know what to do

This chest these hips were not mine this mouth was not mine

I lie in bed, as this body, I wear, is moved this way and that

I prayed to God that he would stop

This skin that was not mine but I felt every touch

Inside that flesh was a mind that was not his yet to control and it said no

But he did not care about my mind and it did not matter what I said

He did not care that the minute he touched this skin, my mind was in confinement

Because I was told that what he did to I was not that bad

I was not raped, it could have been worse, you’ll be fine, and he did not hurt you

But if he did not hurt me, why are these scars still lingering

It was not that bad but I cannot let a man touch me without feeling like an object

I will be fine because it was only the outside of this body that he violated

I was not raped, but I cannot tell my mother what happened to me

Too scared to tell her

And I cannot see a counselor because I do not want anyone to do anything

So I tell myself it wasn’t that bad

But these wounds still bleed despite my words

I keep these memories hidden so deep that I can no longer remember his name

But I will never forget his piercing eyes, eye I thought I could trust

A touch of a man should make a woman have butterflies, but I only see fear through my eyes

I will not tell because despite it all, I feel bad for him, and I believe he did not know better

And each hand I grabbed for help tells me at least it wasn’t rape, at least it wasn’t rape, at least it wasn’t

so I pull my hand away and I tell myself what happened to me is personal

and this story never left these lips again

lips that were sold to some man whom I cannot remember by name

and I will not discredit my pain because I was scared and alone and helpless

while a man held my body like a toy

and this body is no longer a temple but a fortress of which I must protect

because I am lucky

I am a survivor

and I was not raped