Find her

Sometimes I feel sad. I am told it is me not you. I am told I need to change. That I cannot rely on anyone else to aid my happiness. I am told to change a lot. Change your attitude, change the way you view things change how you feel about a situation. Can I say I am so sick of others telling me to look within. You gotta find yourself then you’ll be happy. But i am right here. I hate when people claim I’m a lost. That I need to find my soul. My beliefs are well written and rehearsed. Who I am tattooed on my palms, so I never forget. I hate being preached at. I am the present me. I’m growing and changing. I have good days and bad. But each day is a struggle between blaming myself for every feeling I have and blaming others for not allowing me to feel anything without being dismissed. You’re not really feeling this way because of me, you’re feeling this because you are lost, broken, damaged goods. Go fix yourself, find yourself, anything that puts your issues in isolation. In I don’t want to deal with your problems land. You you you. Inside I have this desire to be heard. To get that one sentence that has been on the tip of my tongue out. Let me speak. Give me a chance to process. Let me tell you what hurts me without telling me my feelings are wrong. Let me feel. Do not deny me my voice. The most intimate part of me. Let you feel. Let’s just be human. I’m sorry if I feel more than you.

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I am yours

A year ago

I would never believe 

That 

Someone, you 

Could love me 

No longer someone, 

Something 

To dispose of 

I am not 

what I have been told 

Through actions 

Garbage, trash, tainted 

I am what you see 

Beautiful and flawed 

God heard me and said I love you 

So he gave you to me

Thank you 

I whisper each night 

I lay with you 

You kiss me so sweetly

I am enough for you

I have you 

Hold me tight 

You set me free

I did not know happiness is something one could hold, 

Someone 

But I found you, 

Somewhere in between 

someone save me from myself and 

I saved me from myself 

liberated 

Am or am not 

Secure 

Perfectly designed yet flawed 

Does god smile at his work

When an apple falls but you make a pie with the brused 

Were you always meant to taste so sweet 

They say you find your home in the ones you love 

Why am I living in the unfinished basement of a beautiful soul

I know you’re building something better

With me or for me

I know you love me 

Never alone 

But sometimes I feel lonely 

You hold me 

I will build you something beautiful 

Life 

In the pasting 

Time is marked 

Cycle of the trees

Budding life,

Green 

spectrum of yellow and red 

And to the roots 

you start again

Empty spaces between

It was not until you

I noticed 

I am empty 

These spaces have always been 

hollow 

My hand aches

someone to fill her creases 

Why do I ache 

It has been this way 

Five fingers, four creases 

no longer complete 

The curves of an hourglass 

A lone 

Puzzle piece that has been lost 

And it was not until 

I open the box 

That I noticed 

It was missing 

One beating heart 

empty space 

filled by a lock

You held the key 

I did not notice I was 

Empty  

not rape

At least it wasn’t rape

As I search for safety

As my body was used as an object, a toy, a piece of trash

Something to be used and handled and it didn’t matter whether I was tainted now,

I was to be thrown away before I was finished with

I should be happy, they said

I am lucky and I

Was not raped

I was a survivor

But I live with this secret because I was told, it wasn’t that bad

I live in secret because

I should not ruin his life, his reputation

We’ll just avoid him and

You’ll be fine

And instantly after I was violated I was told

It wasn’t that bad

The scent of his horny must on my body

His freshly lit cigarette breath invades my own

I brush my teeth and I can still taste the scent of cigarette

And I cannot escape the poisoning fear when I said

No

And he heard yes

And I said No and he heard yes

And I was by myself in a stranger’s bed

But he heard yes and no one was there to hear me say no but I said it

I was too weak to push him off of my body but I told him no

And we are taught that no is stronger than any man’s touch

And this bed is no longer a kind gesture of a gentleman who was helping a lady in distress

But a fortress and I am confined by the makeshift cuffs that felt like palms and fingers

And my chest, these breasts no longer mine but his

And I gave myself away that night

My flesh was for sale when I infused myself of liquor

And my body for auction

The dress that hugged the curves of my body like fresh paint

a sign that said sold

when I allowed a man to offer his bed to me

No returns when I trusted him to leave the room when I fell asleep

Damaged when I woke up to a man touching me, kissing me,

Taking off my clothes

I was sold when I said no please stop I don’t want this and he heard yes and

I was a puppet

Being controlled by a man much bigger than I

Playing with a lifeless body as I gave up because I did not know what to do

This chest these hips were not mine this mouth was not mine

I lie in bed, as this body, I wear, is moved this way and that

I prayed to God that he would stop

This skin that was not mine but I felt every touch

Inside that flesh was a mind that was not his yet to control and it said no

But he did not care about my mind and it did not matter what I said

He did not care

Because I was told that what he did to I was not that bad

I was not raped, it could have been worse, you’ll be fine, and he did not hurt you

But if he did not hurt me, why are these scars still lingering

It was not that bad but I cannot let a man touch me without feeling like an object

I will be fine because it was only the outside of this body that he violated

I was not raped, but I cannot tell my mother my father my future lover

So I tell myself it wasn’t that bad

But these wounds still bleed despite my words

I keep these memories hidden so deep that I can no longer remember his name

But I will never forget his piercing eyes, eye I thought I could trust

A touch of a man should make a woman have butterflies, but I only see fear through my eyes

I will not tell because despite it all, I feel bad for him, and I believe he did not know better

And each hand I grabbed for help tells me at least it wasn’t rape, at least it wasn’t rape, at least it wasn’t

so I pull my hand away and I tell myself what happened to me is personal

and this story never left these lips again

lips that were sold to some man whom I cannot remember by name

and I will not discredit my pain because I was scared and alone and helpless

while a man held my body like a toy

and this body is no longer a temple but a fortress of which I must protect

because I am lucky

I am a survivor

and I was not raped